The Scene of the Crime

Today (Originally posted April 2) has been an interesting day . . . got a call from a recruiter about a Change Management job down the road a bit in Santa Ana. I know these recruiters must look at my resume and think "bingo -- candidate jackpot !!" but when they start really looking at the dates then the bloom has to fade a bit from their recruitment rose.

I am overqualified for most of the jobs presented to me and yet the employment gap makes my fancy background suspect -- this is BEFORE adding rock n roll psychic, corporate whistle blower, liberal political hellion and credit outlaw in to the mix !!

Oops . . .

So sadly (or not), choosing to flip a big middle finger to the corporate world has not come without a rather hefty price tag. But, no matter, what's done is done and my desire to return to that world is not particularly high.

However, my rock n rolln joy ride in the City of Angels has also come with a fairly high price tag and I am finding myself sitting on the fence as to whether I want to stay here. Not news, I would guess, to people who may have been following my notes over the past few weeks.

And now that I am AN ACTOR -- well, it just gets even more complicated. However, I am STILL thinking about heading North towards the San Francisco Bay. I know where things are there, I know how to get from Point A to Point B with less wear and tear on my nervous system there and my furniture and books and CD's and on and on still live there . . .

But this is also where Lehna was conceived, where she lived in Beth's belly, and ultimately where she died. It comes to me like a loaded gun. I have made it back from her death but not fully back to a fully functional existence. Yes, in my own way, I'm a rock star and that is beautiful.

However, I want to slow the gypsy train down. I want to live in the same place for awhile and I am still not completely comfy cozy here in Casper Land. Anyway, more late night ramblings . . .

I want to feel OK (well as OK as anyone could) about losing my baby. about breaking up with Beth, about torching my career. I want to -- BAD. Perhaps going back to the Bay will help me do that. I don't really know . . .

But it is an idea that keeps hanging around. It is important for me to find out. Perhaps, it's time. Perhaps, it is . . .