Reflecting on March 4

It has been exactly 4 years (almost to the minute) since Beth and I learned that our little dumplin' Lehna had died . . . probably most of you who know me know a big part of this story already but -- tonight -- I am going to flip the story a bit and talk about my life . . . both before Lehna and now, 4 years after her death.

Also, most of you probably know I am a professional psychic, "The Rock n Roll Psychic" -- so right off, I guess you could say "I'm different". I'm fairly well known, I guess, in that world . . . I have a radio show and I have been on TV many times. I think of myself as a good guy; I'm polite, caring, fairly plugged in . . . but for some, off course, right off, my choices will seem "unusual".

For a time, I had the fancy career with the fancy income to go with it. I was a Business Analyst -- in "Who's Who" and I traveled around the country working on software implementations . . . it was kind of a plum life; I made a lot of money and the work, honestly, was very entertaining.

I liked it . . . but after Lehna's death, I just completely stopped working in corporations and then I went back to my "previous existence" -- being a psychic and an artist.

I don't live in the same "world" I used to, with money and big houses and all that. I did . . . but not right now. I still have the clothes and the big screen TV's and THINGS, lots and lots of things, left over as tokens from that world but . . . LOTS of money? Right now? Truthfully, no.

After Lehna's stillbirth I dropped out of the world and I am just now slowly working my way back in . . . I have had kind of an amazing life, truly I have, and I expect even more amazing things in the future.

Dogs and babies love me and I am proud of that fact. They are the best barometers we have . . . Truthfully -- (and for those who know me this may seem redundant) . . . I'm not like the other boys.

But as I work my way back from her death I have learned many many things. Maybe that was the point. I went, tail between legs, back to Ohio 18 months ago, a clairvoyant whiz kid but a train wreck in every other way.

When I first came to LA, I came with a bag of dreams and truthfully LA has been kind of a disappointment. The TV "thang" well that crashed and burned, twice. I have "celebrity" friends but, more often than not they vanish just like the TV pilots I heard about so often before I got here.

But no matter -- I feel as if LA has been a beautiful time. I have basked in the ghostly Casperville Sun, escaped one of the nastiest Winters on record, finished 3 books, created a Divination Deck AND a Tarot Deck and spent time with some beautiful people.

It is always interesting to look at what happened and compare it to what you EXPECTED to happen. I don't think I was totally naive coming to LA, a Midwestern Rube straight off the turnip wagon but I didn't expect the crazy train to carry quite as many passengers as it appears it has . . . still my time here has been an experience I will treasure, always.

I want to leave LA and, hopefully, soon that is just what I'll do. But I have a piece of the City of Angels now in my heart just as my own little Angel Lehna is in my heart, as well. There is a purpose to this life, a guiding divine hand and I have learned, finally, to trust it. This has been the time I needed to heal and create and burn through much of the last pieces of the puzzle.

It is about trust -- trust in God, in divine wisdom and providence. I have cursed God a lot over the past 4 years; I was suicidal, pissed off about EVERYTHING but, through it all, I have found a renewed faith in God.

If it had not been for my daughter Riana -- I couldn't leave her -- well, who knows . . . she was the image I kept in my mind's eye in my darkest hours, my beautiful daughter.

It had to be hard for her, to see her studly, self-confident daddy became withdrawn, reclusive -- forgetful . . . to see all the money she was used to, just simply "vanish" . . . it had to be tough but she has been my closest pal, always.

Lots of people think I should keep quiet about my past trials -- to edit that out and give the highlight reels, instead . . . but I think it is my crash and burn time that is the most instructive. Jack Dempsey, the great Heavyweight champion of the 1920's said "a champion is someone who gets up when he can't" and I think my crash -- and my comeback -- IS the story . . . the dark shamanic journey just as important as the psychic hits.

I have cursed God, cursed my fate -- quite a bit. But, again, truthfully I really have had a beautiful life -- a life most people could not even imagine. I miss my baby so much but four years after losing her I try to focus on the good . . . to focus on the happy thoughts.

That, hopefully, is what my time in LA has been . . . a time to reflect on the promise of my "gifts" and to hold true to the faith I preach . . . to practice my own magic.