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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Talking with "Spirits"

I have kept them "out" (angels, spirits, old sea captains and funky mermaids who slide across the carpet) preferring instead to focus my laser beam on chakras and distant cities but as I have continued to let myself loose down the past life trail I see it's, indeed, a slippery slope and, as many of you already know, opening one door leads in to a hallway with 15 more . . .

I've seen these "other worlds" for over 30 years but, amazingly, I've kept it, for the most part (loud mouth that I am hahaha), to myself. It's close, very close, though, to the right time to write about ALL I see.

That would be the "Mystical Andini" . . .

But first, something of an inventory. My "opinions" as to just what it all means.

Past Lives -- Yes, I believe in "past lives" but not in the sequential, one after the other, way most people probably assume they must operate, if (in fact) they do operate. I believe there is a unique, spiritual essence that circulates through life after life and whacky as it must sound, I think we often lead lives in the same calendar time, but not on the same plane.

Say what?

I believe we live multiple lives in the same "year" but not in the same "reality" . . . my closest guess as to how this works is something akin to the old Jim Carrey movie "The Truman Show". Not sure how; sadly, I'm not that smart.

But I do believe it is more "mysterious" than 3-D reality would lead us to believe. Quantum physics gives us a clue as to how it might operate . . . but again, I'm not plugged in enough, or "cosmic" enough (yet) to figure it all out. But I promise you, it is stranger than what you think.

Spirits -- well well well, Alicia's house and yard right now is like a convention for angels and dead sailors and much as I realize that her clairvoyant boyfriend has a history of seeing things others don't -- this, somehow, seems "different". And the irony (or beauty) of it is that much of what they show me (and tell me, 'cause I've now added, and yes, Pamela Nine, I know you said this, "clairaudient" to my resume) is then validated by Alicia.

So -- what do angels in the yard and sea captains in the kitchen, actually "mean"?

Sadly, once again, my brilliance does not quite go quite far enough to actually "know" what it means. But, here is my theory. I think, much like "ghosts" leave something of an imprint in the ethereal dust of a particular locale, there is a spiritual "essence" that "somehow" permeates our "world" and it shows up (or crosses over) into a more physical 3-D space from time to time and is recognized as such by those whose antenna happen to have the right equipent or pass code to pick up their "channel".

I don't know if this is some karmic "pay per view" system or if some of us have the "dog whistle" channel hard wired into our internal satellite system straight from jump. My guess is that it's always there but there has to be a meeting of both the proper "receiver" and proper "signal" to see, hear, feel or sense it.

When the time is right, the weather is dandy and the mood is set -- THEN, voila, ghosts in the kitchen, angels on the back porch.

If that's "true" -- and I, personally, believe it is -- then that would suggest there is indeed some divine guiding hand behind what goes on . . . God.

So, for sure, I believe in a creative magical amazing creative force "somewhere" . . . this isn't some silly two carbons ran in to each other on the way to the store and life began by accident (so, dude, tell me why was the carbon driving in the first place hahaha).

I didn't graduate from college in the 1970's in part because I had to take science classes and I "knew" their "methods" would rot my brain and rather than pursue my academic professorial Harvard Grad School dreams, I passed on the "basic requirements" and began edging over to the mystical rebel outlaw side of town and never, quite, made it back :)

There is a purpose to life. It didn't just "randomly" happen. It "means something" !!

Once again, I am not smart enough to "know" what that purpose is -- but I "believe", with every ounce of my being, that God exists and, not only that, I belive God "slips in" from time to time to make things happen.

This, for those of you schooled in classical logic, means I believe in "divine intervention" . . . what some call "miracles" and this isn't some bad Far Side cartoon but a true, touched by the hand of the Spirit manifestation. I do, again with all my heart, believe in "miracles" performed by a divine spiritual source, either God or one of God's "peeps".

So . . . once again, another status update greater than 420 characters that has gotten out of hand :)

But, a little bit (more) of what I think . . . and why. Thanks for hangin' with me.

Believe in miracles and know, deep down in your gut, there is a touch of the Divine in all we do. That is my thought for this morning. Peace and love to all :)

Karma Stew

If you work at a problem long enough -- and are open and focused . . . and patient; eventually the answer will make itself known to you. A few months ago, I felt that "eureka" kind of energy flowing through, and around, me. A couple of weeks before that, I had spoken with my good friend Scott Grossberg about a "unified field" theory of divination and Scott always inspires me to look at problems in new ways.

I have tried to forge ahead with my "style" and philosophy as a "reader" and it didn't always connect with other people, in large part because I kept rejecting many of the things they found, in me, most appealing. I understand that -- but I was never able to fully articulate what I "did" in a way that I felt was consistent with my "higher self". When I turned the "remote viewer -- you're going to get a job in a building next to the fire station" thing on, well . . . all was good.

But that misses the point. The point is . . . root cause. Without understanding the mechanics of "why" that thing I see is likely to happen, you are in a passive state, literally asleep. I am still making my way, slowly -- but surely . . . towards integrating the causal links behind behavior, both backwards and forwards. The future and the past . . . one unified body of knowledge, sliced at a specific point -- a holographic model of behavior and pre-cognition with the added bonus of walking in, and listening to, other "parallel worlds".

The integration of the mind, both conscious and sub-conscious, with the body . . . and by body I mean not only the physical body we wear but the larger social, political body that surrounds us, influencing us in so many ways . . . bits of energy swirling in, around, and through us . . . the question: how does the body interface with the mind? How do we become aware of old psychological triggers in the body; how do we understand them and make them "conscious" allies as opposed to "unconscious" assassins?

I have always gone after a bigger fish with the expectation that I had all the tools to land the biggest ones. That may not be true but I continue on working towards understanding how it all goes together. I have never given up and I feel somehow closer to "figuring it all out".

I see more and more each day how reincarnation works and why it matters. "Past lives", for me, are the missing link.

Last year, I created a divination deck specifically geared towards past lives: the "Khar - Ma: Past Lives Divination Deck." I go through "phases" with being a psychic -- some days I am totally "over it", some days I totally love it and I have always been this way; when I'm "feeling it" I am happy to do them but after awhile the tank empties and I need to put it aside for a bit. I am never really "off", either, as almost everyone (as many of my psychic friends will likely confirm) who talks to me is "curious" about what I think.

Not only that, what I think is "quotable" and "will be quoted" -- so, truthfully, you're never off the clock unless you simply refuse to talk . . . a few months back, I went throough one of those periods where I just simply stopped accepting clients (which of course doesn't REALLY happen -- but you can at least slow the trickle down a bit) and, as a result, I had some additional time to think about how past lives "work". Even more than that, I had additional time to tap in to my own "karmic vault".

Here is a sample of what I've "discovered".

In the radio shows and live past life "reads" I've done on air, I have talked many times about "thematic buckets" in regards to past life influences. Typically, people have 3 primary themes. Some more, some less but the most common way for me to see it is for people to have 3 primaries; this might be "Healer", "Artist", "Diplomat", "Military", "King", "Spiritual/Monk", "Mystic/Magician", etc etc.

And these "themes" tend to be primary or secondary in a particular life. Someone might be, let's say, 20 % Healer, 20 % Artist and 60 % Builder in this lifetime (relatively speaking) and much like certain planets may work as undercurrents in the natal astrology chart, so too will these "sub-themes" work in the current life time, relative to how an individual makes decisions and/or processes information. The ratio might have been much different (and usually that's the case) in a different incarnation as you tend to shift "roles" each round, in order to add texture . . . this allows you to better "see" who you "are", by continually shining your inner spiritual light against this rich and varied tapestry of cumulative experiences.

Not only that, just as the place you live influences how you think and act -- native and national cultures seep in to the blood stream, whether you're conscious of it or not -- there are also certain places (and the memories of the dominant culture of a particular place) that underscore who you are now -- and how you act. The "how you act" part is influenced by an instinctive expectation of "how you SHOULD act" and not only do past life themes "show up", past life "locales" also show up.

If your genetic memory is tuned to a specific channel, say Central Asia, and you're living in West Texas, for example, then you may have a karmic "disconnect" between cultures and attitudes. There is "what you see and hear" and what you "know" deep within. Sometimes they line up; sometimes they don't.

For me, I tend to see myself having 4 primary themes: (1) King / Politician, (2) Mystic / Magician, (3) Military / Rebel and (4) Artist / Aesthete. When I "look" at my own "past lives" I see a LOT of uniforms, a whole lot of uniforms. But I also have the mystic sit in a cave thing going on, too . . . one from each food group :)

I have 4 primary themes, all very strong, which truthfully is fairly unusual, and the themes are, in one way of looking at it, almost polar opposites. One of the outcomes of this type of thematic blending would suggest a fairly "complex" personality (which is kinda true, don't you think) -- one at home with sudden and dramatic shifts, in keeping with the natural instinct, and need, for adaptability to potentially shifting sands within the particular "job description" associated with these "types" of lifetimes.

This information can be helpful in defining "styles of learning" as well as "styles of adapting". The ego structure is a fragile beast in all of us and defining and understanding these themes is a good way to delve in to the depth of soul driving us onward. I am not going to go in to a lot of detail in this particular piece, but this "information" is fully accessible (to me anyway and I am sure to others, as well) via something that I can best describe as "home movies in my head".

The lifetime "imprints" somehow on the etheric "film" -- which is also how "ghosts" come to be, too, in a slightly different manner. A fascinating subject -- one that has driven me onward for well over 30 years . . .

More to come.

“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” -- Oscar Wilde

Tootin' my own Horn :)

I am a good psychic (I think) but not always the greatest marketer . . . I have so many endorsements that, typically, I don't always bother to keep them. As it stands, I have almost 50 full pages of endorsements and emails and probably twice that many have been lost due to, simply, just not thinking to save them -- and this doesn't count my "first go-round" when I was on national television in the early '90's.

I take a lot of pride in the fact that when I do "readings" I give very detailed, specific information. My main "claim to fame" is describing locations and people as a "remote viewer".

Anyway, I was looking through them and decided to compile just a few.

The first one is transcribed from a phone call I received last week and the others are all emails I've received just within the past year.

1) Got this call today: I predicted a few months back for an unemployed client that he would get a job (a) working on airplanes for the Navy Dept, (b) in a another city in his home state (c) for a contracting company that issued checks from Maryland (d) at the end of January. He called to tell me he got a job working on Navy planes, in a city 6 hours from his home in NC and his checks were, in fact, issued in Maryland.

I predicted he would get the job at the end of January but he didn't get it until February . . . other than that, pretty much dead on :) . . . I insisted it would be a contracting company that had a contract with the US Navy and that it would involve airplanes, specifically planes for the Navy and that his pay checks would originate from Maryland (kind of an odd thing to say) AND that he would be forced to commute but it would still be in his home state -- just the other end of the state (which is exactly what happened) . . . I saw the job being from Maryland but he would be working in NC :)

2) Remember you did my readings before? back then, I have not thought about moving out of LA. and truthfully I didn't have some other guy either. but i DID!!!!! AND HE HAD CHIPPED TOOTH like you said!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was really shocked. I'm not seeing him any more though.. like you said, I'm still with my boyfriend of that time when we talked, we are so much better now... ( you also said that the dynamics of the relationship will change) it did.

It's a long story but short, everything you said was sooooo true! !!! im really shocked at how correct you are. hahaha im sure you get this all the time, right?
well just like you said, I'm in San Francisco now!!!!!!

never have I ever imagined that I would move to SF.... damn
well i'm so thankful that i got to know you! cuz you gave me a great reading, also very inspiring too when I was really feeling down.

I'm getting my MFA here in san francisco! yayyyy It's a 3 year program so I won't be working for awhile. (you also told me that it would be some time later on )

well I just wanted to let you know that. you really helped me out a lot and I'm so thankful that you told me all those great inspirational words and told me to believe in myself..

thanks so much Andrew!

and you and your gf looks so good together!! :) have a great 2011 !!!

3) Andrew in your reading to me you described a place restaurant & bar... My favorite place. L shaped bar. Family & Friends would introduce me to my next Man in my life. You described him & everything. I am mindful of what you said. May 13th My Family & I are going to that place The Lonestar Steak House. :) I will keep you posted & Validated xxx Thank You! Love & Blessings xxx

((Andrew))) -- I had dinner with Family this evening at the L shape Restaurant & Bar... Update on your reading... In the middle of dinner a family member described like the man you said would hook this next relationship up (You described a man & woman helping out on the matchmaking)

he says to me, " I think I know someone who may like to take you out." Hmmmm, it surprised me when this family member said this. I thought about what you said. I didn't ask him to describe the man for the focus was on my Daughter's Birthday & We were celebrating Mother's Day at the same time. All Grandma's & Even Great Grandma was there.... I will keep you posted... Love & Blessings xxx

4) Andrew. I wanted to thank you for your uncannily accurate prediction. I was asked by FEMA to give a group a real tour of the bayous and swamps here that has led to a job doing just that! EXACTLY like you said. I have to tell you I was not really buying the psychic stuff till you nailed it on the head!

I was talking to my girlfriend in New Orleans and told her what you said even down to the long gate and she is UH UH and I'm Yeah huh! He did it. She was amazed!

I asked her to pull the archived show and she is blown away! She asked if you knew me prior and I am like NO I didn’t know the guy from Adam! I can’t tell you how you have made me reevaluate everything or how positively you have changed my life! You RAWK! Love ya man!”

5) Just wanted to let you know you were right about the pension for my husband. We got a call Fri said the papers don’t match on the amount and that there is a lot of money missing. they said they were going to close the case until they read the papers on this. They are launching a full investigation on this in 10 days.

Got 'dem ole Homesick Kozmik Blues

*Originally posted April 10, 2011

You want to taste it, feel the soft warm breath of God, roll in a karmic feather bed connected to Source, with tiny angel fingers touching your brain, firing loving memories of light and sound, seeing (one more time) your true home -- the place you left, the place (right now) you are missing sooooo desperately.

A shamanic opening to inner worlds as well as the higher realms is, literally, happening with many people -- right now. I am guessing that quite a few people, over the past 4-8 weeks, have felt a bit of a "buzzing" for a soul connection, not just/necessarily with a "mate" but with a source/promise of divinity. A magickal time, descending, like a fluffy cloud with angel's wings.

This is going to be an "interesting" couple of months as more and more people wake up to the actual truth of who they are . . . soul memories bursting like sun beams warming fields of golden flowers, a deep ache for the one left behind.

Think back to a time when YOU ached to see that boy or girl in another town, going to another school -- ached to touch them, pacing the floor, counting nickels for gas money -- nothing mattered but the next time you saw them, touched them, kissed them.

Well that is how more and more people are going to start feeling about connecting to that "still, small voice" whispering to them -- right now. Hang tight, 'cause it's about to happen. The alarm clock is set. All across the planet people are about . . .

to . . .

wake . . .

UP.

Magick Time

*Originally posted April 9, 2011

I have made A LOT of predictions about trends and when I thought it best to zig and when I thought zagging was better . . . In 2008 and 2009, I said the economy would have "issues" NO MATTER what anyone thought -- to me the train had already left the station and there was no stopping it. Same song, pretty much, in 2010.

Now, though, the vibe is different -- NOW is the time to make changes, big changes if that's what you feel in your heart.

There are times when events are just, simply, "more fixed" than others and then there are times like now -- a time to CHOOSE, a time for a little magick :)

Love Story

*Originally posted April 5, 2011

Since Alicia and my appearance this morning on Morrighan Lynne's radio show, I have received so many lovely heart-felt emails. Amazing -- Thank you !!

But, here is the bottom line. I was alone, and had thought, like many who wrote me, that perhaps a real true love would never come my way again. Too old, too strange, too something . . . all these thoughts ran through my head, right? Sound familiar?

But IT did; it found me, after, somehow, I FIRST found myself. That's the key, ya know -- knowing yourself, being content with who you are, comfortable in your own skin.

Love is fabulous. It is magical. It makes the world go ROUND :)

Indeed, it does.

But . . . if it can happen for me, it can also, most definitely, happen for you, too. Believe in yourself; believe in your own self worth . . . love matters and it is there for all of us. We just to have to first step through the door, the one marked "fear of being found out".

We ARE worthy -- somewhere there is another soul who will get you, if you're kind and compassionate and show him or her love. Don't worry about not being good enough, 'cause you are. That is my message for this evening.

We all deserve love . . . my truest greatest hope is that you find it, as I have found it, because when you do, slowly, but surely, you will march to a different beat and the love that oozes out of you will help make a more beautiful world -- for all of us. I wish you love, truly, truly I do :)

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

Arms of Love

*Originally posted April 4, 2011

It is time to step away from focusing on "prosperity consciousness" -- the mantra of so many "self-help" gurus, of late -- and look, instead, at opening up to divine realizations of who (and what) we are: spiritual beings intimately connected to a greater "whole", immortal beings of light who reincarnate over and over, God-thirsty pilgrims looking for love.

See your connection to this "greater whole" and love will fill you; focus on separation and love will continually evade you.

It really is that simple . . . material things can be taken from you in the blink of an eye, a tsunami or fire or invading army can change your world pretty quickly. Choices based on "current market trends" can reverse in dramatic, life-altering ways . . . but Love and a connection to your spiritual core -- the timeless spark you start, and end, with -- will never waver.

Fill your heart with love, be open to the still small voice within you and no matter how dark the night of your soul's passage, you can still move in to a space of healing and slip within the open arms of forgiveness and, then, begin moving towards golden rays of love that will fill you up rather than leave you, as so many are, yearning for that "next thing" to justify your, too often ego-based, existence.

Love is truly what matters. You can have it. You can.

It's your choice.

Hereafter

*Originally posted April 1, 2011

Alicia and I watched the movie "Herafter" last night. When this movie first came out, a couple of people told me they thought of me when they watched it -- since I was a well-known psychic, on national television 24 hours a day, seven days a week, who walked away from being a psychic and said "no mas -- never again" for 14 years, I could relate to this and, as a result, was curious to see it . . . but immediately after it came out, lots of people in the "light worker community" started blasting this movie as denigrating psychics and so I passed on watching it, until now.

Because, for me, based on where I am now, this movie has an even greater impact than if I had watched it last year.

I see this film not as a story about psychic phenomena but instead as a love story about two people whose worlds are rocked and who, eventually, through a "divine guiding hand" come together and find each other.

Soul mates.

A psychic wunderkind not always down with sharing his gift who meets and falls instantly for a beautiful girl (from a foreign country) -- I can definitely relate.

Very few people understand the price tag that comes with this gift -- and, as a straight male in a world filled mainly with women or gay men, the challenges (and rewards) of "being a boy" are not easily understood, nor thought of, by most people.

I have had people say to me almost verbatim many of the things said to George (the psychic played by Matt Damon) . . . "You have a gift, you owe it to others to use it . . . it is who you are, you have to do it. etc etc etc". I have heard these same speeches for 25 years. And, like George, I also walked away from doing it at a time when there was plenty of money on the table for me to scoop up . . . this was long ago, when not everyone in America called themselves a psychic -- but I turned down repeated infomercials because I saw the fork in my road bending in a very dramatic way. And the price tag, for me then, was losing out on being a father to my one year old daughter and so: "psychic rock star" or "father" were the choices I saw (and I didn't see them happening together) -- and I, of course, chose "father".

After making this "choice", I went "underground" and DID NOT like it when people recognized me -- because in the early '90's they did . . . for fear that it would "blow my cover". In this case, I identify more with the French journalist who saw her professional reputation, and career, suffer when she talked openly about her feelings about God and spirituality.

And then, there is the "relationship thing" . . . more people probably wanted pyrotechnics of the afterlife and buzzing space ships filled with angels scooping up lost souls as they passed, a battle of light and dark . . . an action movie. This was directed, after all, by Clint Eastwood.

But I understood it as a movie about someone who was lonely, who wanted to be loved. And was trying desperately to find it.

I have seen relationships crumble because "I knew things". Girls who were attracted to me, who didn't know about my "gift", sometimes freaked and split. Others came on to me BECAUSE I was psychic and so, for me anyway, it had the very obvious benefit of allowing me the opportunity to attract lots and lots of girls, at the same time ruining the long-term potential of almost all of them.

An interesting, and puzzling, dilemma. One that I solved, as George solved, by going within and turning the volume down.

To find himself, and to find love, he had to go a different path.

I loved this movie. It is not for everyone, but if you think of this film as a love story and not a "psychic story" I think you may have a new appreciation for the beauty of this film.

Apprentice Clairvoyant

*Originally posted March 29, 2011

I was sort of a "psychic prodigy" when I was young but in Ohio in the 1970's, there just weren't a lot of opportunities to study and "figure it out", so eventually I had to head West and, in 1979, I landed in San Francisico.

I studied with a lot of "teachers" in San Francisco when I was there in my early 20's -- the most important, by far, being Sanaya Roman. I left, because it was expensive to live there, and went back to Ohio where I spent my late 20's meditating and doing guided visualizations, literally, 30-40 hours every week for 5 years, on top of an extensive reading program, then a year or two later I turned "pro" and was the resident morning psychic on the biggest rock station in Ohio within a couple of months after "coming out", as well as landing a gig managing "Pearls of Wisdom" -- the hot new Metaphysical bookstore. I was positioned at the center of the metaphysical universe and life was good.

I continued to train (and I trained for it, just as you might train for the Olymics) and take classes, including "Peaceful Warrior" training with Dan Millman, and, after establishing myself as one of the best psychics in Ohio, I got a gig as a newspaper columnist in "The Free Press" and then was offered a chance to go to Los Angeles as a featured psychic in a $3.99 a minute infomercial with Erik Estrada and Jenilee Harrison that aired 24 hours a day, seven days a week, in every major market in the United States and Canada for a year and a half.

My prediction that Jenilee would do live theatre, something she swore would never happen (she was an ex-Rams Cheerleader who replaced Suzanne Sommers on "Three's Company"), was used as "proof" that your $3.99 a minute was better spent with "us" as opposed to that "other psychic", Linda Georgian, who was promoted back then by Dionne Warwick.

Life WAS good, indeed. Not only was I sort of a psychic rock star, I also had the nickname "The Psychic Adonis" to go along with it so things were definitely kickn but then, at sort of the top of my game, if you will, with more TV opportunities already lined up if I "signed the contract", for some crazy reason I said "fuck it" and walked.

Turned off the phones, refused to make appearances, and vanished. For 14 years.

It was only after Lehna's death that I "came back" -- something I swore for years would never happen. The moral of this story is that the path to awakening and developing psychic abiities, no matter how naturally talented you may or may not be, is a long slow apprenticeship and not always in a straight line.

My path is unique, I'm sure -- but not that unique that there aren't others with similar stories. But, bottom line, it takes time and it takes work -- a lot of work -- to get "good" at this. There are no short-cuts.

No short-cuts, at all. There is a hefty price tag to play this game and few are willing to pay it. Carl Jung says "there is no coming to consciousness without pain" and just as an athlete or performer trains for years to finally "make it", the same holds true for psychics, as well.

Moliere, the French playwright, has a great quote where he compares writing to prostitution: "first you do it for love, then you do it for a few friends, and finally you do it for money".

You can only do this if you love it but eventually it "changes" when it becomes a profession. But, for me, the love for the "work" has never left. It's faded at times, but never ever went away :)

"There is some kiss we want with our whole lives,
the touch of spirit on the body."
Rumi

World War 3.0.3

*Originally posted March 22, 2011

As we start on a new leg of the Neo-Con Rockem-Sockem World Tour, sponsored by Chevron and Goldman Sachs, it becomes more and more obvious, to me, anyway, why I have tried so hard to stop making political predicitions and commentary. Over the past 4 years, I have given my speeches, made my predictions, listened to all the naysayers tell me I'm wrong, or unpatriotic, or just plain flat out crazy (or, what was meant to really "get" me, someone who didn't "think positive").

But I wasn't wrong . . . and my predictions later, at least regarding wars and economics, proved to be incredibly, almost eerily, accurate.

I have said 2011 is going to be a magical time, the start of something positive . . . of course, it is starting out a lot like the other years when I made a series of predicitons considered almost too dark to even consider . . . but in 2007, saying things were going in to the shitter was a warning; it was meant to help people adapt to large-scale changes that were, at minimum, inconvenient but, for many, mind-blowing life-altering land mines.

I tried to help people understand what was happening and how they could mitigate some of the fall-out by taking action. Some got it; most didn't . . . but that's my "job" -- to try and help people. I am not obligated to say everything I "see", nor is it really ethical to do so, but I felt then that I needed to say what I was seeing and try to make sense of the storm clouds I saw so clearly blowing our way. My job, first and foremost, is to try to help people and that takes many forms.

But now, more than ever, I feel I can be most "helpful" not by saying this bad thing is going to happen or THIS bad thing is going to happen but instead by focusing on the power of happiness and love and standing firm in this space.

My ego is better served by making predictions to show I was right . . . prove I'm a psychic badass.

But, for now, that is not how I see myself. Now, more than ever, it is my ability to see the good, the silver lining in the black cloud (which has been my mantra for personal readings all throughout my career), and express that, forcefully and consistently -- that is the arena in which I feel, now, I can do the most "good".

This madness will pass. We will love and sing and feel joy once more. Please don't forget that.

In 2007, my role was Cassandra, sounding a warning that was both true and unbelievable, but I had to do it -- partly because I felt it was important but also because, in retrospect, it adds to my "street cred" as someone who knows (or at least knew then) what he's talking about.

I am hopeful that crediblity carries forward now. Please believe me when I say that we can find a happy future. But it comes with a price.

The price? Being honest about the present.

And, sadly, that is not a price most can pay :(

They will ask you
what you have produced.
Say to them,
except for Love,
what else can a Lover produce?
Rumi

The Alchemical Heart: A Magazine for Soul Mates

*Originally posted March 21, 2011

From 2007 -- when I "returned" to the "psychic world", shortly after throwing my 300K consulting career in to the toilet after my daughter Lehna's death -- to early 2010 most of my public focus as a psychic was on making predictions, specifically predictions about politics and economics -- with a flood or shipwreck thrown in from time to time for good measure. I was, in retrospect, incredibly accurate but seeing all this . . . and saying it when no one really wanted to hear it -- well it took its toll. I grew tired of it all and, several times, tried to pack my psychic bags and go.

In 2010, I found a new outlet for a while -- working in Los Angeles as an actor; something of a pleasant surprise but all along my internal battle could sort of be summed up like this: "am I a psychic artist, or an artistic psychic?" . . . and, if somehow I really am both, which of course is truly what I am, what is the best way to blend and honor both worlds.

In the fall of 2010, another pleasant surprise fell in to my lap; I met a girl and I fell in love, madly, hopelessly, in love . . . and within a very short time my public demeanor (without planning it that way) -- and the manner in which I tended to be perceived by others, changed fairly dramatically -- from wild child Hollywood psychic bad boy to Soul Mate poster child.

An interesting transition.

And now, I am adding a new wrinkle to that; I am planning, with the help of quite a few of my closest friends and colleagues whose work I respect, to start a new magazine devoted to love and spirituality . . . a magazine for, and about, soul mates, about the love that transcends time . . . about meeting your soul in the body and arms of another.

I have heard from a lot of people that they "want what Alicia and I have" . . . and I can certainly understand that, since I spent 55 years looking for it myself. But that was not the reason I have decided to go down this path, although it certainly played a part.

My work with past lives and astrology also had a huge influence in why I have decided to start this magazine. There are several very well-known psychics and artists on board with this as columnists and contributors and over the next couple of weeks I will be introducing them and letting you know a little more about the specifics. But, for now, I just want to say this:

Love is what matters. It, truly, does make the world go round and without it, we are a sad sad pup. "The Alchemical Heart" will be a blend of spirituality and romance, with sacred places as well as intimate places to sit with the one you love . . . astrology and food, past lives and places to visit in the present day. A magazine for those who want to taste that most special of loves, the meeting of self in the body of another.

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky,
to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First, to let go of life.
In the end, to take a step without feet.
Rumi

Business, Intuition and the World of Tomorrow

*Originally posted February 20, 2011

I wrote the Disaster Recovery Plan for Enron -- and much as this may sound like the punch line to an old joke, it is, quite literally, the truth. I have managed projects at some of the largest companies in the world.

I also have another fairly unique piece of vocational history. I am a psychic, a very well known psychic, arguably one of the best "remote viewers" in the world, and just as I warned execs at CSC, who had a $1.1 Billion outsourcing contract, that all was not well at Enron, then considered the most innovative company in the world, I also "predicted" years in advance the economic downturn, at a time when few were able, or willing, to see it.

Douglas Dean of the New Jersey Institute of Technology conducted a study analyzing the relationship between intuition and business success. Professor Dean found that 80 per cent of successful executives had above average precognitive powers. 'Success', for his study, was defined as doubling profits over a five-year period.

In a study conducted in 2006 (PRWeek/Burson-Marsteller CEO Survey), 62% of CEOs who were polled said they primarily use their "gut feelings" when making decisions.

Management professor Weston Agor of the University of Texas in El Paso found that of the 2,000 managers he tested, higher-level managers scored highest in intuition. Most of these executives stated that initially they gathered all the relevant information and data available, but if the data was conflicting or incomplete, they then relied on intuitive approaches to come to a conclusion.

The power to excel in the “Next Economy”, due in large measure to both the high levels of complexity and incredible (and increasing) speed of changes taking place, will come about, for many, by utilizing and mastering a combination of intuition and logic – a little bit Nostradamus, a little bit Sherlock Holmes.

I know something about this . . . as I went from being a nationally televised clairvoyant in the early ‘90’s to a $175.00 an hour Management guru just a few years later. With no business training and no college degree, I was able, in my forties, within 2 years, to start making over $25,000 a month as a Management Consultant. I continued to secure larger and larger contracts over a 10 year period until I decided to walk away from the corporate world and return to my “psychic roots”.

Over the past few years I have very purposely stayed away from the corporate world. I had my reasons. But the world of tomorrow is going to be a blend of many exotic flavors, a little bit of spice from many pots and business and metaphysics – in the past strange bedfellows – will soon blend in ways unimagined when I was a child but, truth be told, I saw all this so clearly even then and have built my life in sync with those childhood visions.

The world I saw as a child is, literally, materializing right before our eyes . . . right now. The rulers are the same but the rules, somehow, are different, nonetheless. Intuition – logic; spirituality – materialism, quantum leaps – slow steady growth; paradoxical, unorthodox, revolutionary, earth-shattering . . . all those words and more.

This world is what I have seen in my dreams and in the secret places in my heart my whole life; you may not see it just yet – but I do.

Intuition and Business; healers with a heart, entrepreneurs totally plugged in, governmental policies based on spiritual truths – utopia, nirvana, Heaven on Earth. I can’t express strongly enough how much I believe this world is on our doorsteps.

The old guard will soon be gone; the lions are waiting in the trees and soon, very soon, the veils will lift. I see it happening. Truly, I do.

Saturday Night in Comox Valley

*Originally posted February 15, 2011

I went to a party Saturday night with Alicia (the first "viewing" by some of her friends of her new American boyfriend) and met a really interesting man who owned a company with a very unique (and, as far as I could see, completely viable) business model promoting alternative energy solutions. We had a nice conversation and I totally understood his concept, was able to quickly figure out much of the capitalization ('cause I'm good at math) and actually started seeing fairly comprehensive platforms to both market and implement his product.

After awhile, he asked me what I did. I said "don't you know?" -- assuming I was a rare enough bird to have, at least, garnered a little pre-visit buzz. He then said, "so tell me. What IS a psychic? What do you do?"

We talked for a while longer and then he looked at me and said "that all sounds pretty sane."

And, I thought, well of course it does :) . . . because my approach to this most mystical art is rooted in a rather complex, but incredibly balanced, blend of flat out clairvoyance wrapped within a classical education in the Humanities and Critical Thinking. The "Sane Psychic" . . . my latest tag line.

But the idea of sanity and psychic insight for many is a bit of a stretch because to most people -- let's face it -- those of us who see "beyond the veil" are often considered a bit "out there" . . . one of the reasons I hid my psychic TV past so diligently when I made the switch from prophet to profit motive back in the late 90's.

When I worked as a business analyst, I was able to "see" what was broken in much the same way I see constrictions in your 3rd chakra today. The part that had "issues" lit up to me. Literally. It . . . lights . . . up -- like a bulb on a Christmas tree.

So issues in your 3rd chakra or a supply chain problem or data integrity issues in some legcy system feeding into the mainframe, I see them all the same way. At first.

But the way I "approach" them is completely different -- because, of course, the model to describe (and later, work to "fix") is rooted in a completely different semantic system with a totally different emotional core underscoring what's "wrong".

I couldn't work at a high level in business without a fairly decent understanding of how it works and -- especially -- how people who "do it" . . . talk about it. Because more than "seeing", it is the "describing" that really matters.

As we move forward in to this amazing transformational year, more and more we will be called upon to explain what we see in words and pictures that the average Joe can relate to. Even if what I see is soooooooooooo out there, still I make conscious choices in how I describe what I see . . . and what I suggest as the most viable solutions to correct any problems one may have.

The "Sane Psychic" -- a wonderful conversation on a wonderful night, along side the incredibly beautiful woman I love :)

"Shift" not only happens, it is happening right now

*Originally posted February 13, 2011

It would not be surprising to see, short-term, more regressive political measures and ideas swirling about . . . but that world, and mind-set, is crumbling. The wake-up bells are clanging and the "shift" so many of us have said would happen one day is finally happening.

Right now.

I have been saying for the past few months that "2011 is gonna be a magical year" and that things would look a lot different at the end of 2011 than it looked at the beginning. Love, respect, balance . . . what we would hope to see in individuals we should also expect from countries. The old ways are dying. Truly they are.

It is interesting looking back over the past few years that my "predictions" for the upcoming year have always been seen as "extreme" and "unlikely" (and, in retrospect, pretty much dead on). I was one of the few, five or six years ago, willing to say (out loud) that the United States was on the decline -- ruined by political criminals and unchained greed -- and that economic news would be more dire and long-lasting than anyone could imagine . . . or, at a minimum, admit to.

I have been visiting in Canada for the past 5 days and already I am seeing (and feeling) the difference between the U.S. and our neighbor to the North. I am incredibly sensitive to "energy" and, at first, I noticed I was kind of irritable and, truthfully, kind of a dick . . . but this is not the first time I've gone through short-term "mass consciousness shifts".

On a symbolic level, I feel my body was "adapting" to the collective consciousness here on Vancouver Island. It's different . . . and, for a couple of days, my badass American self was noticing (and not understanding) that difference . . . it is (for me, anyway) a noticeable, tangible change that I see and feel, quite literally, in "the ether".

There is something very akin to mass hypnosis happening in the United States, all manifest destiny and big trucks and fancy bonuses, buy buy buy -- but for more and more people that world is a sham. Across the globe people are waking up from the hypnotic tick tock of mass consumerism and I expect, very soon, that love and dreams of peace will replace the need to for measuring our self-worth only by our bank accounts.

When we see our common humanity in others, how alike we truly are -- regardless of race or language -- rather than how different, THEN we will start to bring this world in to reality.

Over the last few years, I have repeatedly said that I expect 2012 to be a lot like Y2K -- but dramatic shifts in consciousness are happening, at an incredibly rapid pace, as we move towards that magical date. So maybe that's it. Maybe "that" is 2012 . . . The world is about to change. A lot.

For the better . . . I see it.

Let them eat Cake

*Originally posted February 1, 2011

In 2002, I agonized for months (and that word is correct, although understated) that the United States was going to do something I knew would cause huge problems later: invade Iraq. I knew it -- and I didn't have to be Nostradamus to figure it out. The idea that this would be over in 3 months was, to me anyway, ludicrous. I knew -- and knew is the correct term -- that if the United States invaded Iraq (which I suspected was inevitable but prayed was not) the war would (a) last forever, (b) be a financial black hole, and (c) destroy the United States' credibility at some future time -- not to mention gradually weakening what was then the most powerful military force ever assembled.

The issues in Egypt will soon spread and the ability of the U.S. to mitigate it in any meaningful way has already been squandered by the past 8 years (EIGHT YEARS !!!! -- the Civil War was over in 4, World War I was over in 4 and the United States involvement in World War II was less than 4) of being the aggressor in Egypt's back yard.

I predicted 2011 would end up a LOT different than it started . . . I have also been saying for the past 6-8 months that people were not stupid, they were "figuring it out" and that a "Marie Antoinette moment" would soon arrive.

"Let them eat cake?" . . . I don't think so -- read a history book. Oppressive regimes always run into troubles some time or another, which is why the beautiful balance previously maintained by the United States was so precious. "Greed kills" and Egypt is the alarm clock that should be ringing all over every executive's office on Wall Street.

I am truly curious how the actions of the Egyptian military will be seen by American soldiers who have to know they've been used as paid security forces for corporations; many of these soldiers are, really -- when you think about it, psychologically abused in the process.

Also, shouldn't they have uniforms that look like Nascar drivers: the 3rd Armored Division sponsored by Target and Frigidaire? How will service men and women react to what's happening with the Egyptian military, who are openly saying the Army "would not use force to silence 'legitimate' demands for democratic reforms in the Arab world's largest country?" That is an interesting question.

The Army is publicly saying that the issues with President Mubarek are "legit" . . . amazing, but to me, truthfully, not surprising. I didn't "predict" this specific event was going to happen -- but I have been saying that this type of reaction in the Middle East was inevitable and it was only a matter of time until it did, so, in a general way, I outlined the trends pretty clearly. 2011 is going to be an "interesting" year.

There is a delicate balance that needs to be maintained between greed and oppression, in order for a nation to prosper. Over the past 10 years, it was pushed WAY out of alignment and now, the pendulum "shifts".

Business Opportunities for 2011

*Originally posted January 24, 2011

Later this week, I will be taping an episode of "Past Lives, Present Lessons" with Tanya Douglas and Stacy Lupinacci (to be broadcast, February 1 on Z Talk Radio) and, as I usually do twice a year, I will give my "predictions" for what I see in the upcoming year.

Today, I want to focus on business opportunities -- even though I feel there are still a few "issues" yet to be worked out (these likely involve, among others, alterations and possible reductions in current pension programs, as well as some likely fluctuations in the currency market), overall I believe 2011 actually offers many opportunities for positive growth.

I think the tidal wave of conservatism is coming to a close; honestly I do . . . not that those "purists" who hold those views will change but those who only hold them because it is in style to do so -- I think they're about to switch sides. I also think companies with a more service-oriented business model will prosper while those who are strictly "bottom line" are likely to lose market share.

In other words, people want to feel as if you like them and if companies provide a loving happy environment, they are likely to be rewarded. There has been a rather remarkable rhetorical shift in America over the past 10 years and citizens of the United States, hopefully, will soon revert back to a more civil style of speaking with one another, one in which respect matters and bullying and name-calling slows down. This attitude sadly permeates much of our national discourse regarding economics and politics. I believe the "market" for that is fading and the need for more balanced middle of the road action is becoming more pressing.

Businesses will succeed or fail to the extent that they are aligned with predominant values in the market place -- so my statements so far indicate my belief that fundamental expectations about how the markets operate -- and for what purpose -- are also likely to change. My expectation is that more and more people will migrate OUT of major cities and look towards a more agrarian, slower-paced existence. The Go Go years are winding down -- and I think that's good.

Much of the manufacturing base of the United States has eroded and so the demographic model driven by migratory patterns of workers moving towards manufacturing will soon end and, if so, there is every indication that people will start going the other direction. There are a lot of places in America with decent housing opportunities that people will likely see as attractive once it becomes more common to work in virtual worlds.

Big cities often have big problems and fiscal issues in major urban centers are likely to be VERY problematic, very soon.

Businesses likely to show big gains in 2011?

1. Home health care. Medical costs, as we all know, have skyrocketed and as the population ages and hospital space becomes more crowded and more expensive (and, conversely, less effective) the move towards alternative support models will likely increase. Service providers who have competent models in place, with polite workers with at least a minimum standard core competency, (provided they provide a service that is priced correctly), could do very well in the next few years.

Improvements in self-diagnostic tools, both in price and portability, will soon become available and more effective means for online monitoring is, in my opinion, just around the corner.

This means that a booming business, for someone, is also right around the corner. Large hospitals will become more and more the last resort for consumers going forward. Just as the strip mall influenced retail patterns over the past 50 years, so too will the drive for more convenience in seeking medical care cut in to the large downtown department store hospital. People liked the fancy store with all the trimmings better, but it was quicker and easier to go 5 blocks and just pick up a couple of things, unless it was a special occasion or need.

Advances in health care diagnostics -- not necessarily care, itself but rather the ability to quickly diagnose problems -- will revolutionize medicine. More than anything, and this includes ALL other forms of technology, I believe the marriage of the computer with medicine will be the biggest business driver of the next 10 years . . . which makes the fact that I walked away from a career in which I had a very high end expertise in this world perhaps all the sadder :(

but. no matter . . .

Laser therapies will also become more common and more effective over the next couple of years, as well.

2. Transportation and Logistics. Getting things from Point A to Point B -- once fuel prices start climbing (as I predict they will) -- is something that will likely involve more planning and effective utilization of resources than in years past. Companies that can co-ordinate movement, in essence be "motion brokers", also stand to do very well in 2011.

How will this work? As shipping costs become more expensive, providing a service to small companies and individual consumers in which you co-ordinate "bundling" shipments -- so that mid-sized shipments are "volume-priced" and customer service costs for the transport company are diminished -- will also be an area where a better mousetrap will catch more mice.

3. Alternative Energy Sources. Soon, the strangle-hold of oil and gas companies will weaken and more alternative, "green" energy sources will be "in style". Transporting alternative energy sources (see above) will be a big business in the next 15-20 years, I believe, and people with an expertise in "upgrading" existing homes to meet new regulations and take advantage of the options for more "Jetsons" - like technological improvements in the home will also do quite well.

The United States economy has taken a tremendous hit and, on the whole, I believe it will rebound. BUT -- the major players will be different and an entire generation, of which I came along at the tail end, "the Baby Boomers" will find that "the better world" they were given was squandered by their own greed and so the "Golden Years" they imagined may not turn out quite the way they'd like.

Because of that, I expect there to be a pool of intelligent older workers who will continue to be part of the work force for years to come, mainly out of necessity . . . but as things begin to shift upwards, this older work force will actually turn out to be a positive driver towards more economic growth.

4. Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Billy Bob's Techno-Chat BBQ and Madame Zelda's Virtual Playland -- social networking will be BIG -- until it stops . . . so here is my expectation for Social Networks going forward. The internet has opened up the whole world -- I have clients in Europe and Asia, as well as Canada and the Middle East . . . this couldn't really happen this way WITHOUT the internet.

BUT -- my honest opinion is that local is where it's at and more and more people will soon get off the internet and spend more time interacting with their neighbors . . . what's old is new again.

The internet will change how people get news but it will not, ultimately, change how people interact with one another. I expect a big spike upward, short-term, followed by a gradual decline. Over the next 2-3 years, more and more and MORE money will be poured in to social networking but that trend probably, in the grand scheme of things, won't last that long. In a couple of years, I expect it to slow down -- gradually at first, then quite a bit. People matter -- live, I can see you and touch you people . . . and so I think that need for real people will drive down the rates of growth for social networks.

Part of all this bells and whistles can't have 2 minutes of quiet time attitude is driven, I really do believe, by a desire to "brain wash" the average person . . . slow steady hypnotic pin ball games of the mind . . . that, too, in my opinion, is soon to change.

The good news for 2011? People are smarter than a small group of Harvard-trained bankers think they are and soon, quite soon, the world is going to change. There are hiccups and hurts on our door step. BUT, for me, I believe that soon things will turn around and the world will be a better place.

The chance for catastrophic war is there -- in many ways, a higher probability than ever. Economic ruin -- that possibility is also staring us in the face . . . but I still feel as if the world will shift to a more loving balanced energy and I think the evidence for that shift starts to appear this year.

A companion piece from January 3 "Dot Com Redux"

May You Live in Interesting Times

*Originally posted January 21, 2011

2011 -- soon the shit and the fan may have kind of a dangerous collision once the light bulbs turn on in those who advocated a radical conservative agenda ('cause they wanted to be part of the "group") -- not realizing that the "other" group, the one they looked down upon, would soon include them. Spring will be that "interesting time" the Chinese talk about. But, no matter, this is still a magical year . . . however, as Carl Jung once told us, "there is no coming to consciousness without pain."

That pain is right around the corner.

A plan, executed with ruthless skill, designed to destroy the middle class and steal the only thing people truly have, the value of their labor. A dangling carrot, boiled in oil, cut off right before unbelieving eyes. You've been fucked, and not in the happy oh baby orgasmic kind of way. I have offered dire economic predictions every January for the past 5 years and this, in one sense, is no different.

Back in 2007, I started publicly saying that soon States would go bankrupt -- something I don't remember other psychics, or anyone else for that matter, talking about. All part of an interesting, planned in advance, assault on the working class :( . . . I also said there would be "ghost towns" and I wasn't talking about Sunnyvale, South Dakota.

Major cities, with no work, no funds to maintain themselves . . . not a fun time.

And there's more. I wrote about it and did over a thousand hours on air talking about it . . . that "unbelievable ridiculous scenario" that I outlined, in detail, has played out almost exactly as I said it would . . .

I predicted radical reductions in state services, radical reductions in the number of policemen and firemen, predicted a public education system in crisis (I mean, who wants poor kids who can think) . . . basic infrastructure problems at every turn . . . we now have counties digging up paved roads and using gravel, cities without enough electricity to burn street lights, "brown outs" with no district fire departments -- here is a direct quote of mine, from 2007-2008, that I repeated quite a bit.

I said soon "if you have a fire in your home you had better have your Master Card ready and your Fire Safety Provider on speed dial . . . or bummer fuckn day."

So, with the wind in the sails that comes from a history of betting against the house -- and winning . . . I expect March and April to be, how should I say it, "stressful".

However, no matter what happens over the next few months, I still believe 2011 is a golden time . . . I do; there are still heads left to roll, futures to be destroyed, dreams to die. But, even still, 2011 . . . ultimately . . . is when things begin looking up.

Just not quite yet.

Apprentice, with shoes

*Originally posted January 16, 2011

If I could have taken another road to get to where I am, without giving so much along the way, I would have gladly taken it. If I had been able to carry everything with me, surely I would have done that, too. And perhaps that way was there -- but I couldn't see it and so I took the only road I could find in the darkness, hoping it was the right one.

I never knew what would happen, where I would end up; this was no package tour. The tourists didn't go there . . . even the crazies feared where I was headed but . . . I could hear something and so I was curious and left the house and wandered after it -- a child chasing a butterfly, a god-thirsty beggar chasing a dream.

All things of value come with a price and I have accumulated lots of information, brochures from the highway, as a result of following my own unique Siren's call. I am happy with where I landed and the trip, even though there were skinned-up knees and sleepless nights, is filled with stories that I cherish, memories that your safety net couldn't hold -- no matter how long and winding it may have been.

I have seen things and I continue this wandering path towards . . .

The Separation

*Originally posted January 15, 2011

It's really interesting how each year over the past 5 my predictions for the upcoming year's "trend line" were all thought unlikely to happen (and, of course, for the most part the year did, in fact, play out pretty much just the way I said it would) and it holds true again this year, too -- only in a completely different way. In the past my "predictions" were seen as perhaps too harsh, foreclosures and floods, bankrupt state's, massive long-term unemployment, political corruption and wars that dragged on and on and ON -- while this year seems, so far, like Hell Reborn yet I keep saying it will be a wonderful vibrant positive time.

I still believe that and will say it again -- 2011 is a magical year. You'll see over the next 12 months that's true, no matter what happens until then. I also believe this will be a "sorting out" year . . . not between "the haves" and "the fucked" (my rather accurate, I think, description from back in 2007 of the "two classes" to emerge from what I kept shouting would soon be a very DRAMATIC economic "correction") . . .

but between "the attuned" and "the tone-deaf".

This is THE YEAR when the spiritually attuned "see" . . . when the promises of the heart and the faint echoes of the spirit begin to make sense. The energy is different now, the air is different . . . the wind will blow in the direction of good for those who can feel her breath; the sky will turn colors for those with eyes perceptive enough to see the variants . . . for those "plugged in" to their spiritual core, THIS is the beginning of something truly beautiful.

When is "enough" simply too much?

*Originally posted January 12, 2011

When I was young, I worked hard, really hard, to be "cool" -- I made myself (and made is the proper word, here) into the ULTIMATE pretty boy jock thang because I felt, for a whole host of reasons, that I just "wasn't good enough" without it.

This was great, up to a point, but my relationships really became just a series of "yes votes" as to how successful (or not) I was in that pursuit of physical beauty and athletic skill. The need to "prove" was too strong; it was all that mattered.

I couldn't "accept love" because it was all about "proving I deserved it". I didn't care about money or security or anything else -- it was the pursuit of physical "perfection" that drove me. If I worked out 4 hours on Tuesday, my goal was 5 (or more) on Thursday . . . four hours of basketball every day, 5 hour tennis matches, then an hour running steps in the parking garage behind the hospital.

But no matter how much I did, or how fit or how beautiful -- no matter how many girls, no matter how much of whatever the yardstick of the day might be -- it was never, truly never, enough. I could never be happy where I was because I was always trying to "add to my stats". A faster time in the 40, more home runs than the week before, the best player on the court (basketball OR tennis) . . . the most girls, the best-looking girls . . . no matter what I had -- or who I was with . . .

it was never

Enough.

I don't think I am alone with this, either. I also think it is likely more common now, as well, than it was back then. I bring all this up to make this point . . . all that work, all that effort was done not in the pursuit of some lofty athletic goal -- it was done out of fear. Pure and simple.

The fear that I had "no value" unless I was a star athlete, a "stud". It was also based on some compensatory yardstick, too -- since I had failed "to prove it" in the way I'd have liked when I was 15, the need to prove it over and over and over again all throughout my twenties AND thirties (and, to a lesser extent, believe it or not, my forties, too) was incredible. Totally obsessive. Petal to the metal . . . all the time.

The fear never really subsided that I didn't truly "deserve love", that I wasn't good "enough". Probably most of us have, at one time or another, gone through a period in which we felt too fat or too thin or too poor or too something. Too much of something bad, not quite enough of something good.

Conditional love -- with an unrealistic measuring stick perhaps making it even more unattainable. I wasted so much time worrying about what other people thought, basing my self-esteem on their opinions, totally incapable of loving myself without an audience or a trophy. It was a waste -- not the doing, that was fine.

It was the fear that without this "approval" I was nothing. THAT was the waste.

It was hard for me to get past that, as I imagine it may be for others. But love is not ONLY about playing shortstop or having a 29 inch waist. It is about accepting who you are and being content in your skin . . . contentment, I believe, is a key piece in finding, accepting, and ultimately sharing in a loving working partnership.

Believe in yourself. I tried so hard to "prove" myself that I failed to realize it was impossible "to prove anything" going about it the way I was. I was too lost. Young girls starving themselves, getting cosmetic surgery or breast enhancements when they're 13. Boys taking steroids . . . pushing soooo hard. At what point does this artificial barometer become oppressive?

When is "enough" simply too much?